ok

Things I can't say,
Things I can't show,

I write them down here..



I said I am okay, when all I need is a shoulder to cry on.

Speaking wise

How to say what to say when to say where to say how much to say how little to say how deep to say how shallow to say how fast to say how slow to say how to say..

Art of conversation? Maybe best is don't say at all. haha

Turbulence

It's only the 3rd week..and I am already exhausted...

It's both good and bad.

Puzzled..

I am puzzled..and even troubled..by some of my interpersonal interations with some people around me.

Is it me? Did I do something wrong? If I've said something wrong I apologise. But why the sudden change of attitude?

I am really not good at this.

Here I am,

A confused Kat..

A New Day is a New Beginning But Why Am I Still here waiting?

Against all adversaries..we need strength, encouragement, hope and empathy.

Thanks for providing me what I lacked in a time which is significant to me, even though it could be so unimportant to the rest. After weeks of having a dangling feeling in my stomach, finally the dust has settled and my heart is no longer in my throat. I got what I wanted in the end and in the process, learnt certain things that broke my heart.

But I will not blame anyone, in fact I feel sorry for the things that I didn't know or probably did inappropriately under the circumstances. Communication is important to me, as well as understanding. I don't seek your understanding this time as it might to be too much to ask from.

I am teaching myself to lower my expectations, to speak and think less and listen more.

I am telling myself to be strong, to be happy, to be content with the things in life even though the going can be so tough and even though sometimes the people closest to me always hurt me the most.

Please don't give up on me.

I need some love, more than you would think.

I Had A Bad Day

I felt anguished, disappointed, guilty, detached, frustrated, angry, helpless, hopeless, exhausted & lonely all in one day.

I cried and laughed all in one day. Sometimes it is hard not to feel like a robot, going through the motion of day to day life involuntarily. And then at the very end of it is death and eternal bliss. However, the only resurrection of the day is that I exercised self control. I have been very good at that recently. I guess eventually it will lead to less pain, as lessons have taught me before.

We are all learning as we go along. The only thing I need to learn right now, is to focus more on myself and the current tasks at hand. It's time to change things and get out of this state of emotional unrest.

Let me find my redemption, soon.

P.S.: Thanks to my friends who had shown me concern and support. I do appreciate everything and anything. :)

With love,

Kat

What It Takes

Are we living a lie that we created for ourselves? Are we really going to see the truth? When?

When I grow up?
When I finally could set myself free from everything?
When there is no longer hatred?
When we are too old to do anything about what has been done already?



I do not want to think. I can't think.



I just hope I can do the right thing.
No matter how difficult it takes.


It is, afterall, my life.

Another Me

I loathe superficiality. 

But still I fell into this trap easily. Sometimes its tiring to be that person that you are not. Merely 2 hours at the gym is a test of mental strength and character. I was bombarded by people. Everyone asks and talks about the same things. I repeated the same answers over and over, only hoping to be left alone. 

It's sad, when I realised that I am no longer the naive little girl that I was, who was so flustered when someone asked for my number. Now I am weathered and cold inside (trust me, intrinsically I am full of love), though I could use a little sweetness and politeness to put up as a front. Being able to easily see through people is a sickening skill to acquire.

I yearn for that something to release me. From my own walls which I built up. I am afraid to fell into the pitfalls of adulthood where all u could think about is materialistic desires and possessions. MJ's death remind me painfully of how someone can still stay true their inner child and be who they really are despite what the rest of the world is against or has disposed of that ideal. I am not saying we should all dispense our money and start playing hide and seek because, unfortunately, society does not function in such empirical and simplistic way. 

All that said..what is exactly an appropriate definition for simplicity?  What is simple between people? Between lovers? Between friends? How ironic it is that we always yearned for something simple and yet it is always us who complicate things? And what lies beneath that calm and composed surface of people that you meet every day? I am extremely curious. 

I pray that I am not asking too much from the person that I will need. ok.. I need someone whom I can converse with on an intellectual level; someone whom I can laugh, cry and play with; Someone who listens to his inner child; Someone who is able to see the world in my eyes; someone who loves unconditionally. 

Maybe the last one is too trying to achieve. Even myself is not up to it. But we should never stop hoping and dreaming. I am saying all these is not because I am advertising for a boyfriend, but I realised the need to have a little idea of what I really want so when I am presented with one I would not miss it. And yes, I was reminded twice yesterday that I DO NOT have a boyfriend. Finally, if you think all that I've said is vague and non-essential then maybe you haven't get the point. 

Embrace the child that we are...

I hope I find you,

Kat.

Should I

You should be in love,
just like everyone else...

You should believe in simplicity,
like that of rainbows and butterflies...

You should be delighted and grateful,
for beautiful surprises aren't hard to come by...



Before disappearing, and while attaining..

With Love,

Kat

Simplicity is Bliss..

More stolen pics...


There are beings so cute on earth that I just dont understand why..



and right now..I am beginnin' to understand the full picture... finally. 3 and a half years..could be a lot..or a little. But I have grown and learnt..

Being who we are..constantly drifting..floating, what the future beholds is never certain & predictable. However, the only thing that holds true and dear is the present, which is more important that the future and the future is only a projection of the present.



Learn to appreciate, and treasure..
What little there is for us to keep dear to our hearts.



With Luv,
kat.

YES I am BACK, Shhhhh

Without a splash.....or even a ripple

Intrinsically i hope i am still in China at this very moment..not alone in my quiet house doing household chores and school work..i begin to really feel like a house wife who has to go to school..where is my husband??! ok..just kidding..

Anyway i feel sorry for myself...not just the fact that i am back...but I have literally no pictures to share and reminisce upon...maybe there're a few but that would be very....VERY rare. I had two thieves making my year of the OX seems much more unwelcoming and treacherous, all within three days in two countries...not to mention some time back my phone and ipod also went missing in a bizarre and hauntingly similar manner..In addition, i also feel sorry for missing so many lessons, but it's been 10 years since i went back for this year's cny...it should be worth it..hope no one will want my head chopped off..


Hall of the lost and never found

Canon Powershot A450 along with its 2GB SD card full of precious cargo

Ipod shuffle...along with its..hais......I still remember I was listening to Cheer's song when it disappeared...

Another heartbreak..Nokia 6120 Classics...along with don't know how many contacts and how many important messages......life can be a joke at times....only that it's not funny

and last but not least....to my uttermost dismay...some sickos was sick enough to steal my underwear right under my nose!! I bought them in China and lugged them all the way here! They are entirely new and even washed clean...not too mention the price.....i am not gonna put pics though...but they sure look pretty...


And before you judge...OK..I admit...I am BLUR..and pls do NOT entrust valuable stuff to me. I will be stressed out..and sister, i will remember to zip my bag all the time..(actually it was my cousin who was carrying the bag when the cameras were stolen, his and mine..wonderful) and whoever comes along seeing my bag open..pls scold me. haha!

Ever since i am back i have decided i should give more time to myself...well..recently i have been reflectin..on all things found in the universe..I have come to realise things and thought about actions and approaches....hopefully i will carry them out and make myself a happier person!


Treasure what you have, while there's still time...
I realise I have been wrong...and there's still time..

With Luv...
Kat

What you see is not what you get...

I may have a turn to ask you:

"Am I a good person to you?"


what will be your verdict?

Just remember..what you see on the outside may not be what u get in the inside..
Judge not until you really know


A story can have many endings, but choose wisely..

With Luv,
Kat

Ideological Trajectories of the Nonsensical Realm of Figure-it-all-out-yourself

Exams over but work keeps coming..and my attention span is diminishing..
When can I start my own projects?
When can we stop and smell the flowers?

Occasionally making yourself useful feels really good. Even though that means I have to end up so so exhausted up to the point of physical collapse. This then bring me to another point. Why are different groups of people or individuals in a class who met every Tuesday afternoon for 3 hours never ever talk or interact with each other? And why did the last class suddenly made all the difference?

The answer is teamwork. When we work together, we are able to interact, bond and understand each others' thoughts and differences. And it's most interesting and engaging talking to different kinds of people. You never know what you gonna learn from them. Just like reading a book, but in a different medium, or maybe like watching a movie that explores the intimate stories of a fictional or real character.

Then totally digressing..another conversation which came up previously had stirred some unrest in my mind. What would happen if Junior College did not happen? Not as in I could not have one but I do not want? Would it turn out better if I were to go on a different path and instead of mugging 2 years of my life away on science? Generally it would give u a better head start and competitive edge which really makes all the difference. However, I would not say it's a waste. After all, the mugging and slogging did gave me some beautiful memories- the friendship, mentorship and all the other nonsenses. Even skipping and swapping lectures or sleeping in lectures seems so fun and bold now. Of course the first and last 3 months of my JC life were most remarkable, both decidedly shaped who I am today.

So we all make choices and are responsible for our choices. Hence I would like to call it 'moving forward' as it is never worth the time to regret upon made and tried decisions. That said, I had to be reminded that by saying to be somebody is very different from being one. I have so much to make up for it and so much to do for myself.


Once again,
school really rocks..

I mean it..
despite some hiccups here and there.

With Luv,
MeerKat

On being always Naive..

Certain things have to be given up in order to gain back something else. It never changes..except for the fact that people have been postponing the inevitable.
It was an allusion to dreams and illusions, untrue and open-ended. In hopes that time remains fluid and unchanged in status. However, making it into something and wat actually becomes of it are totally dependent on a variety of unforeseen circumstantial factors which I shall not elaborate..
Basically through the passage of time things are becoming very unpredictable or maybe, for the pessimistic point of view, very predictable. What it means is to move on and get busy with something new, however uncertain that is. To do that one must have the courage to make the first change, and knowing that, one has to completely forgo all previous engagements that one was occupied with, to truly begin.

What has it got to do with being naive? I don't really know..

As In the Eyes Of the Beholder..Thou Shall Love

A Deviation on Love

In this case the love I am refering to doesnt stop at the level of boy- girl, boy-boy or girl- girl chemistry, it encompasses all kinds of love and feelings one human being has for another, between family members, friends, or even strangers. We all share this feeling, the most basic emotive instinct, much more complex and elusive than a chemical reaction in our brains.

Love is about giving. Sacrifice is never wrong, even if there's no outcome in the end. At least there's no regret that you've tried. Being brave means your love will deserved to be felt even more.

Love is about spiritual connection. Do the things the one you love loves, feel the way your love ones feel. Never judge, for no one is perfect. Just remember to still be yourself, as it is you the one your love ones love.

Love is about not taking someone for granted. One should treasure the love ones around them. No matter how situations are like, a child should never neglect the parent, a husband should never abandon the wife, a friend should never leave another in the cold. It is all about responsibility and understanding. Nonchalance and unfeeling will only generate more hatred and hurt.

Love is about making the right mistakes. Never be afraid to make mistake. We all learn and grow. Mistakes are meant to be righted and scares are meant to be healed. If one makes a mistake it's never too late to realise and change. If your love ones makes a mistake then one should always keep an open heart to forgive. As love is not perfect.

Love is about understanding. Knowing what is the best for the people around you shows how much you cared. Learn more about the people around you, friends, family. Think more for them and less for you..


The list goes on forever. Love, being the most abundant and rich resource humanity possesses, always failed to work its magic for some. Many believes that everything must be right in order for it to happen, failing to see that it is right beside all along. Many are too busy to care for their love ones and treasure the precious time they have together..Many simply forget how to love while others suppress their feelings out of fear.

Remember...to treasure the ones near who loves or loved you and show ur love for them...no matter how remotely likely that person still cares about you. As long as you show your appreciation and think for them, you will be loved.


"They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love." -William Shakespeare



Catching Luv',

Kat

May not be a good thing afterall..

May came (well..mid may)..the hol's here. sths should've been updated well before but I wasnt bothered or couldn't be bothered..

This mth was quite different..for some reason I felt I am at least a lil' bit reconnected with my old self again, the one from the past..Also found someone whom i strangely grew a liking to..don't know why but I am gravitated towards her. I never realised that i can find a friend in her so suddenly when she's around all the time. I really appreciate her presence during that last few weeks of school..it was fun man..hahaa..(btw, we are just friends and there are times when one needs to show appreciation for her friends..)

Puffaw fishie' look

However..for the entire mth..things have pretty much gone downhill..personal lack of motivation in doing the things that I have long planned to do had brought on an inexcusable sense of guilt..it was also hauntingly familiar..the noble plan of watching the many movies and films stacked up in my room has gotten stuck somewhere..but i did manage to catch some great ones by Miyazaki Hayao, thanks to Jerome. There's still my half finished Cinema Paradiso...Alot of HD movies are up and comin' recently..esp this one called Under the Same Moon.. i guess i can never catch up.



The worst of May came with the earthquake on 12 May at 228pm in Wenchuan, Sichuan Province..the magnitude and scale of the quake was shockingly devastating...i didnt realise the seriousness of it until the death toll became unbearable to believe. It is still increasing...

With that..this mth has became so much more dreadful..for those who cares, please donate kindly and give some love to this place and the people who loves or loved it.


When all is gone..there is still hope..and most importantly..Love


Kat

the inevitable ..

back to home sweet home

yes..unfortunately sch has started, without a breather. Thought it would be a well deserved rest but nth spectacular has happened. Nth dropped from the sky and landed unexpectedly in front of me. Totally uninterestin' one mth of life, lazy and unmotivated. Like a sloth..maintaining the slowest metabolic rate possible.

Well..at the LEAST sth worth mentioning is that I landed myself some new jobs. and met alot of ppl after the sch started. So it was a busy first week, playing..and somehow I felt guilty enjoyin' myself.

I would like to..

-pick up some speed..
-make my own time
-soak up in books
-leave sg on a weekend..
-do some stuff that's been buggin' me for so long
-reminisce the gd old times over a cup of coffee

-b r e a t h e



To the chances we get with each new beginnin'..

and the chances to find the missing and the missed.

it's never too late..

Loves,
Kat

Walkin' on a thin thread..

I feel strange...It is never about me..doing the things that i like and yet it's not me...i gotta do it for someone, to please somebody...then soon i would lose interest and it ended up killed..all initial effort wasted, like my product design studio work...the nights stayin' up seems to be wasted. Some ppl just cant appreciate.

Moreover, my blatant disregard for myself and others around me have had made some noticeable impact...things like to repeat themselves..and i like to do things my own way..which would mean heightened amt of ignorance to ppl and feelings around me..then it becomes a vicious cycle.


somethin' not right and i dont know excatly why..maybe i should always be left alone...functioning as an individual. In this way, i will never hurt feelings...unwillingly..


i cant please everyone...and even myself

We've got attitude, we've got LOVE, and we've got villains to fight.

and I am just..
Kat

and fightin'..there's no retreat.

Loves..

..Missing..

I decided to give up on watchin' Ratatouille...after much contemplation..guess i've already wasted enough money...self restrain needed....sometimes i feel that my very existence is a waste of money...hahaa..and i have to go to an art sch...which makes things worse....ironies make my day..!

well....my mind needs sleep..thats probably why i am gettin' so out of form and whiny...breakin' out in tears in the simplest of things.....hate myself...why am i not strong enough for myself? and why i am actin' stupidly now....why can't i forget things which i desperately need to forget and yet forgot everythin' else?


gotta get stronger...and need to bring my brains out more often..

Yours...

Kat

..We are on the same side of the moon...

What is wrong with me? I am not behaving normally...i keep losing stuff...i just dropped my wallet durin lunchtime and was quick enough to run back to get it....besides that there's a whole list of stuff that went missin' mysteriously...

-an expensive library book..shit happens!
-my only denim skirt..probably lost while travellin'...was bizzare disappearance coz i checked thoroughly while travellin'
-my pencil case bought in laos...
-my sweater..
-my only pen brought to sch esp for today's work in the absence of my pencil case..
-my umbrella which was left behind on bus...sometime ago..

watever it is i hope i dont add on to this list anymore...alot of things were not going right recently..i am too occupied with myself to care bout anythin' else....yet..i am so hollowed out...inside..



i am moody...i am swingin'..would it matter anymore?

Kat